Tainted
by Luchia13
Summary: Hotaru being a thoughtful and twisted 7-year-old. Angsty, tad bit suicidal.


A/N: Ummm...this is just a bit of Hotaru being pensive, tad bit suicidal, and tad bit sadistic. Angsty thinking in an interesting manner. No warnings really, except spoilers and an itty-bitty bit of profanity. K, bye.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Don't hurt me.  
  
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Tainted  
  
I was once a machine.  
  
It seems silly now, sitting in a white dress with a big poofy bow Chibi-Usa got me for my seventh birthday. To think, I've got a friend now. And a family, even a "controversial" one.  
  
I once was normal.  
  
But Daddy always played in his lab. Daddy always had to play with strange-looking things I couldn't touch. Daddy loved me. He was just a bit misguided, I think.  
  
I was possessed, too.  
  
Did you know that? I was a half-metallic little girl with an evil deity inside me.  
  
There were three of us; Hotaru, Saturn, and Mistress 9.  
  
When I slept, we'd have such interesting conversations. Saturn would always want to have me kill Missy, and Missy always wanted me to kill Saturn. But, I'd have been lonely without them.  
  
I'm still lonely without them.  
  
Reincarnated a few times, and I still miss them. God, what stories they had. Saturn's of a kingdom on her planet, Missy's of a faraway place beyond description, and the Silence. But, they both ended up speaking of the Silence, and the importance of it, how it was not a gift to be imparted easily. The Silence of Death is a sacred thing, and not to be thought of lightly.  
  
I told Michiru, once. I told her about what we talked about long into my dreams. She got mad, and told me to never say such things again. I said she wasn't my mother, and ran away.  
  
Recently, I've been running away more often. I miss Missy; my thoughts just seem so lonely without the constant banter between Saturn and her. I always worried, though, about some things. When Saturn left, I just stopped running.  
  
Once, I was the messiah.  
  
That hurt. It hurt so bad. All that light; all that darkness.  
  
Usagi should have listened. She's always been too guided by her heart, her soul. Sometimes, destiny needs to be followed.  
  
"More sugar, Miss Tomoe," Chibi-Usa asks, still playing tea party. I giggle.  
  
"Oh, no thank you," I say.  
  
Such purity.  
  
I wish I was pure.  
  
Forever tainted is what I am. By the mere fact I'm the goddess of death, rebirth, and revolution, I forever retain the stain of every life lost on this planet and the others, reddening my hands.  
  
I remember when my family killed me again.  
  
It's one of the unspoken topics in my little family. Haruka and Michiru try to avoid it, but they can see it in my eyes at times. They try to act like it's in the past, like it's not their fault I died. Again.  
  
I seem to do that a lot.  
  
Chibi-Usa didn't die.  
  
She sits there, all smiles and pink curls, innocent, pure, and happy. Ignorance is bliss. She has no idea what's going to happen to her, in the near future. She doesn't know Crystal Tokyo will burn, and that her family will be nearly killed. Or that she'll be hurt so badly.  
  
By me.  
  
I've gotten close to killing her. It's the purity. Nothing that pure can stay pure. Nothing that pure SHOULD stay pure. It's not right. It's not fair.  
  
Why does she get the innocence I never received? Why does she get to live a peaceful, cheerful childhood while I retain the memories of so many lost lives? WHY? Why must I shoulder the deaths of millions, and control the power to destroy the cosmos, while she sits there, playing tea party with the Mistress of Shadows, the Dark Lady of Death and Revolution? And why am I so inclined to join her?  
  
All she wants is to grow up.  
  
I want my innocence. I want this taint gone from my soul. I want my childhood, and my peace, and my ignorance.  
  
And all she can think of is one lump or two for her teddy bear.  
  
I'm seven now. Seven, and already old. Seven, and already battle-scarred and war-torn and far past flinching at gunfire. Seven, and so tired of life as it is.  
  
I remember being killed so many times.  
  
As I sit here, playing tea party with my pink-haired princess friend, my glaive sits in the corner, propped up against the crystalline walls that someday will burn. The instrument of death I've used for eons. God, I'm so old yet so young at the same time. Setsuna in reverse.  
  
I miss my purity.  
  
I don't even bother to try and remember my mother any more. She's just an impression in my mind, if anything. I guess dying a few times will do that to you. I have no idea what her name was, even.  
  
"HOTARU! You're not listening," Chibi-Usa pouts, and I giggle.  
  
"Sorry," I say.  
  
God, what innocence.  
  
She talks of many things, the things that seem important to seven-year-olds. She calls her teddy bear "Mr. Bozo" and gives him gobs of cream for his tea.  
  
I have a cat I named Death.  
  
Sometimes I'm tempted to just call out those forbidden words and watch the universe collapse with a small smirk on my lips, the purple getting deeper and deeper as it explodes through space, ripping stars to ash.  
  
Sometimes, I just want to strangle Chibi-Usa for being so damn clean.  
  
Sometimes, I just want to stab myself with the Silence Glaive resting innocently in the corner, and pray it gets rid of this taint. I mean, I've died plenty before. What would one more time hurt?  
  
Everyone else has someone to love. Usagi has Mamoru, Makoto, Ami, Rei, and Minako have their husbands, Michiru and Haruka have each other, and even Chibi-Usa has Helios. Setsuna and I are alone. Forever.  
  
Time and Death. Eternal.  
  
Heartless.  
  
Tainted.  
  
"No, I don't need more sugar."  
  
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A/N: Twisted, yes. I just wanted to do some Sailor Moon fanfic, since I haven't done anything for a REALLY long time. (And, I'm avoiding my other story. Heh heh...)  
  
Well, thanks for reading! Feel free to review! 


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